Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
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My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces