Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.

Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness

IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….

TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

What a cute baby, what’s her name?

“Ethel”

She’s gonna make a great grandmother

Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread

me: how’d the date go

friend: i got ghosted

me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out

“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item

Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.

Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different

Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands

Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?

I am crying

Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket

Cop: is that an olive in there?

Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.

Me: Uhhh

F: Really into Craft Beer.

Me:

F: He has a podcast.

Me: That’s every man I know.

me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies

cashier: they’re $5 a piece

me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00

as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree

You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.