Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
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I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
accurate
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Swedish for common sense.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.