@flavoredfetish

Crazy lady next to me forgot to take her meds, flipping out and shit. I hate seeing this.

Just going to walk away from my mirror now.

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@better_off_dad

12: I hate school.

Me: Hey! Perk up! Years from now you’ll look back on this as the best time of your life!

12: Now you’re just being mean

@robots_feel

[hogwarts]

plumber: i’ve come to do the pipes

salazar slytherin: make sure they’re big enough for a giant snake

plumber: why

salazar slytherin: no reason

@ruinedpicnic

[please enter a password]
ilovedogs
[password must contain at least one capital]
iloveparisdogs

@JohnLyonTweets

No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.

@1ofthe7dwarves

Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.

@tekkie

Girlfriend: Ok you hang up ๐Ÿ™‚
Boyfriend: No You hang up first ๐Ÿ™‚
Girlfriend: no you first
Boyfriend: No you first
NSA: both of you hang up

@robfromonline

before you criticize someone remember they’re a human being just like you with flaws and insecurities and if you focus on those it’s easier to make them cry

@ACartoonCat

Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?

Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.

Her: …

Me: …

Her: …like…like from rugrats?

Me: …he had a wagon

@Dr_powpow

I’m sorry I poked your baby with your selfie stick but I didn’t really know what to do with either of them.

@KindOfASmartass

It really annoys me when people who barely know you want to become Facebook friends, like an old classmate or someone you’ve slept with