Crazy lady next to me forgot to take her meds, flipping out and shit. I hate seeing this.

Just going to walk away from my mirror now.

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12: I hate school.

Me: Hey! Perk up! Years from now you’ll look back on this as the best time of your life!

12: Now you’re just being mean



plumber: i’ve come to do the pipes

salazar slytherin: make sure they’re big enough for a giant snake

plumber: why

salazar slytherin: no reason


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No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.


Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.


Girlfriend: Ok you hang up ๐Ÿ™‚
Boyfriend: No You hang up first ๐Ÿ™‚
Girlfriend: no you first
Boyfriend: No you first
NSA: both of you hang up


before you criticize someone remember they’re a human being just like you with flaws and insecurities and if you focus on those it’s easier to make them cry


Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?

Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.

Her: …

Me: …

Her: …like…like from rugrats?

Me: …he had a wagon


I’m sorry I poked your baby with your selfie stick but I didn’t really know what to do with either of them.


It really annoys me when people who barely know you want to become Facebook friends, like an old classmate or someone you’ve slept with