Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

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A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?


Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed


I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.


Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”


Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.

Wife: Don’t you mean for?

Me: Sure. That too.


CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?

WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s

CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda


Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess


Rather than buy a gun, I’ve been studying “Home Alone” and now defend my home with marbles and old gangster movies.


Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?


*cute person sends me a selfie* *tries 897285623895 times to take a cute selfie to send back to them*