Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.

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[gently brushes your hair out of your face]

“You’re gonna be so pissed when you wake up and see your haircut,” I whisper


As the house burned down, my wife asked me to grab the photos, but she didn’t say our wedding ones. Anyway, here’s my dog and I wearing hats


And suddenly the neighbors who left their Christmas lights up all year seem like geniuses.


Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.


Text from niece: I’m board!
M: Perhaps you could work on your spelling.
N: Wat?


My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.


[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common


[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box


I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.


LUCY: Dad, how did I get my name?
ME (signing contract in blood): Ok but can we at least shorten it?
LUCIFER: That’s fine