Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
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In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.