Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
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Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.