crazy
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Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Grandmother clock.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.