(2022)
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I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration