Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
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I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast