Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
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bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Things will get butter, keep churning
Attacked by a mop.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
live, laugh, laundry.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..