Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
You Might Also Like
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
I like long walks away from everyone
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
even bears disappoint their mothers
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”