@poutycorpse

create password…

OVERRATEDLIAMNEESONMOVIE

This password is taken

REALLYOVERATEDLIAMNEESONMOVIE

This password is taken too

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@ReaIRonSwanson

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?

@DainWins

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

@BigJDubz

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

@fro_vo

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

@CruisinSoozan

Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.

@Phoebetate

So I’m still newish around here…

What are the rules about Canadians? Does everybody get one? Do I get to choose? Where do I sign up?

@RobinMcCauley

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

@stephenjmolloy

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

@DBMaxP

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

@EndhooS

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste