Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
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due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.