24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
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[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
So I’m still newish around here…
What are the rules about Canadians? Does everybody get one? Do I get to choose? Where do I sign up?
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste