*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
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Erm I’m gonna say no
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
I love the honesty
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs