@YeezyEducatedMe

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

- @YeezyEducatedMe

You Might Also Like

@Birdhumms

I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.

@TheRealPalMal

[Walking into a Mayo Clinic with a Club Sandwich]

Me: This is not what I expected.

@Megatronic13

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

@_Justin_Stepien

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

@TexasHickspanic

The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.

@Rollmaninoz

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy

@sixfootcandy

Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?

Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.