[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
You Might Also Like
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
not to brag, but mine was free
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.