[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
You Might Also Like
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
The devil.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.