I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
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I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
I can’t deal with men any longer
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁