@TrelawnySara

creating an app called Friends With Pools. It’s exactly what you think it is.

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@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice

HER: do you mind?!

ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*

@vornietom

The classiest Minion is called a Filet Minion please fave and RT

@TheTweetOfGod

McDonald’s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.

@PrisonCookies

Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.

@SarahMJade

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .

@AndyRichter

The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

@thepaulahunt

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

@adamlucidi

Christmas is becoming like that creepy friend that shows up to the party too early. The party starts at 7:00, why are you here at 4:30!?!!