My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
creating an app called Friends With Pools. It’s exactly what you think it is.
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ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
The classiest Minion is called a Filet Minion please fave and RT
McDonald’s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Christmas is becoming like that creepy friend that shows up to the party too early. The party starts at 7:00, why are you here at 4:30!?!!