@AtticusFinch79

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

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@IamEveryDayPpl

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

@jpbrammer

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

@thetits

BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*

B: SHIT

ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

@Kim_pulsive

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

@juliussharpe

At the very highest level of karate, they give you pants that fit so you no longer need a belt.

@Mhmm_ok_sure

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.

@Amazon_Blonde

No beer or Snacks?!? WORST. PARTY. EVER.

Family: uh…this is an Intervention

Me: LAME, look, Grandmas so bored she’s crying

@Humor_Fetish

Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”

Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”