I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
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I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
At the very highest level of karate, they give you pants that fit so you no longer need a belt.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
No beer or Snacks?!? WORST. PARTY. EVER.
Family: uh…this is an Intervention
Me: LAME, look, Grandmas so bored she’s crying
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
This is how I win fights too