[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
You Might Also Like
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
how much for the angry fruit?
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
The Assassin.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me