My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
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My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Like The Purge but everyone is tryin to murder Tim Allen & become the next Santa. Pls donate on kickstarter so I can finally feed my family.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*