[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
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You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
The glockness monster
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.