*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
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It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!