[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
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Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.