[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
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Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Nice try, NASA