me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
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My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
found this cool rock hiking today
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT