[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
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me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.