@markydoodoo

[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]

GOD: a rat dog

ANGEL: check

GOD: that whispers to white people

ANGEL: what?

GOD: about the weather

ANGEL:

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@Megatronic13

Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*

Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*

Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*

@1evilidiot

What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.

@TwinSurvivalist

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

@hazelmotes1

Aliens are in space right now watching all these movies where Tom Cruise defeats them, and they are laughing so hard one just peed a little.

@JermHimselfish

*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”

@BringDaNoyz

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

@pilau

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

@jonnysun

JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok

@ItsAllBollocks

I envy pretty criers, I just look like a blotchy, swollen potato drowned in dishwater