Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
GOD: a rat dog
GOD: that whispers to white people
GOD: about the weather
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What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
911: Good luck
* Click *
Aliens are in space right now watching all these movies where Tom Cruise defeats them, and they are laughing so hard one just peed a little.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
I envy pretty criers, I just look like a blotchy, swollen potato drowned in dishwater