Do the the fatty acids get picked on by the other acids?
GOD: Make them imperfect…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
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ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.