[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
You Might Also Like
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.