[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

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I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not an actor.


PROFESSOR X: What is your super power

LOU BEGA: I can mambo a 5th time without having to mambo 1-4 times

PROFESSOR X: Astonishing


*rolls up to teens on skateboard*
Hello kids. Can I interest you in a marijuana party?
*pulls out bong with evidence sticker on it*


Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??


” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.


If you’re reading this fortune cookie, I am being held at the Golden Dragon Dumpling Outlet against my will. Send help.


I’m not saying I don’t like you, but if you had an open wound I’d hand you a salt shaker.


For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.


No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.