I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not an actor.
GOD: Make them imperfect…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
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PROFESSOR X: What is your super power
LOU BEGA: I can mambo a 5th time without having to mambo 1-4 times
PROFESSOR X: Astonishing
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
*rolls up to teens on skateboard*
Hello kids. Can I interest you in a marijuana party?
*pulls out bong with evidence sticker on it*
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.
Said no one ever.
If you’re reading this fortune cookie, I am being held at the Golden Dragon Dumpling Outlet against my will. Send help.
I’m not saying I don’t like you, but if you had an open wound I’d hand you a salt shaker.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.