[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
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If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Today’s Times
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.