[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
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Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Skills
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.