Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
You Might Also Like
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..