Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
GOD: Give them wings but they can’t fly.
ANGEL: Weird, but okay.
GOD: Put a bunch of them in Antarctica.
GOD: Oh, and make them wear a tux.
ANGEL: Is everything okay at home?
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If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
[guy who’s about to invent carbonation]
*drinking water* i wish this hurt