Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
You Might Also Like
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
no one likes gloating
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.