[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
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Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
We cut our bangs at dawn.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Taking phone security to the next level.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Well, that should do it
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles