[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second

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*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*



Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*


Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.


People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.


Somebody in here smells really good. I will hunt you down. I will sniff you.


Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.


Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.


ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough


Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.


*sees an article from 2 months ago* This is useless to me. Who cares how the ancients lived