@IndecisiveJones

[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second

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@JediGigi

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

@adamgreattweet

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

@Breadery

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

@Ameiam

People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.

@HockeyGoddess24

Somebody in here smells really good. I will hunt you down. I will sniff you.

@Aikiwomannc

Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.

@Camel_Crushin

Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.

@Brampersandon_

ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough

@PetrickSara

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

@InternetHippo

*sees an article from 2 months ago* This is useless to me. Who cares how the ancients lived