reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
God: You know *hip thrusts*
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One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
What is your dream car and why?
Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
I need to get some bricks…
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Prince Charming: I must find the owner of this glass slipper
King: what does she look like?
Prince Charming: girl
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Him: this isn’t going well.