(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
You Might Also Like
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.