(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

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reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please


One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!


*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS


[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]


Prince Charming: I must find the owner of this glass slipper

King: what does she look like?

Prince Charming: girl


i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on


Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell