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I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.


Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone


I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage


Asterisks are awesome.

*tosses a midget dressed in sexy maid outfit off the Eiffel Tower with parachute made of pancakes*


“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels


genie: you have three wishes

me: nightvision goggles

genie: dope

me: the only pair on the planet

genie: many people will be affected

me: now kill the sun

genie: dude


*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona


cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap




me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot


A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”


My husband’s digging what he says is a pond but I’m still thinking about hiding one of those ‘In the event of my death’ letters as a precaution.