people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
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her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
*serious situation*
My brain:
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.