7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
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I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?