My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
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7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?