[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
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Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend