God: And as they age, they shall lose all the hair on their heads and grow more in their ears & noses

Angel: Yes, my Liege

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Aardvarks aare so aanoying. Aalmost everything theyre aasociated with is aanoying. I get Aangry just thinking aabout them. Aalso Aarons.


All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.


{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.


11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait


On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing


If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.


MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!

ME: that is sound advice


[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED