[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
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Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands