CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
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By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate