CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
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[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Don’t snitch tag.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together