Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
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I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I have no super powers. I’m guessing I’m the villain.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
7yo: can I order for you?
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
I hate when my wife says “GO WAIT IN THE CAR” because I’m not sure if she’s talking to me or the kids.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
“Babe there’s something I’ve always wanted to do..”
*tenderly moves her bangs away from her eyes then scotch tapes them to her forehead*