@TheHyyyype

[creation of walrus]

god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard

angel: sorry, come again?

god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers

angel: dude what

god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula

angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse

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@dadjokehansolo

Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!

@XplodingUnicorn

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.

@DevilryFun

Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?

@Im_Tricia

Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”

@ThisOneSayz

*at Starbucks*

7yo: can I order for you?

Me: sure!

7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!

@TheMichaelRock

I hate when my wife says “GO WAIT IN THE CAR” because I’m not sure if she’s talking to me or the kids.

@LizHackett

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

@fuzzlime

*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother

@ibid78

“Babe there’s something I’ve always wanted to do..”
*tenderly moves her bangs away from her eyes then scotch tapes them to her forehead*