[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
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Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
(Jupiter –
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.