“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
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Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
B