[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
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[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Godspeed, John Glenn
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.