Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep
GOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
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I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Me: Your move.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
All I want for Christmas is a stormtrooper who doesn’t miss the target every time he shoots.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.