ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

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Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!


I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”


If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4


So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?


Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!

Me: Then why is there a hell?


Me: Your move.


I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.


They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.


All I want for Christmas is a stormtrooper who doesn’t miss the target every time he shoots.


[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS


She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.

She starts the blender reluctantly.

In the distance, screams.

The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.