i think both sides are to blame here
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COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Just a phase…
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.