[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
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moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
accurate
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.