[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
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Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.