[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
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[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman