[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
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Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it