@TheToddWilliams

[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-

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@AdderallMomma

–Wanna go rubbing in the park tomorrow with me?

Thanks auto correct, this is why I can’t have nice friends.

@Darlainky

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

@TheBoydP

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

@Midgetspar

You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.

@mooseandriosmom

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

@theshamingofjay

*tries for a year to brush and floss better*

*goes to dentist*

Dentist: Do you even own a toothbrush?

@pixelatedboat

Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[bean naming]

Angel: okay, this one?

God: it’s black, so black bean

A: and this?

G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!

A: k, and this one?

G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!

A: … dude, you alright?

@chuuew

[lost at sea]

FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair

ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]