[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
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I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.