–Wanna go rubbing in the park tomorrow with me?
Thanks auto correct, this is why I can’t have nice friends.
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
You Might Also Like
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
*tries for a year to brush and floss better*
*goes to dentist*
Dentist: Do you even own a toothbrush?
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]