@TheToddWilliams

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

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@reinert03

Somebody left a baby at my front door today, and I have no idea what to do with it. I just hope it’s gone by tomorrow.

@_tomcrowley

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

@PaperWash

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

@JayCee302

Me: “I really like this car”

Salesman: “Yeah and it also has a latch in case someone gets stuck in the trunk!”

Me: “Eh, what else ya got?”

@liv_thatsme

Obama’s not stupid. If he’s spying, he’s going to do it through an appliance Trump actually uses: the tanning bed.

@SteveKoehler22

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

@Home_Halfway

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

@AristotlesNZ

Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Him: “Nothing. I’m good.”
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
“Seriously, knock it off.”
I GOT A NEW BULLHORN!
“I can see that..