[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
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“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon